I feel like I’m a loose puzzle piece that belongs to nowhere. I’m just somehow so sad. It has taken me years of therapy to get to the point where I feel things, but now that I’m here, I feel like this was a work not worth doing..
I feel so alone, even though I have my amazing husband by my side. I feel like my therapist left me, even though I was the one leaving. I feel like I’m not part of anything anymore. I used to be, but now it seems to be over. All of it.
I think what makes me saddest of the point is the change in the relationship between me and therapist.
The last time we met in real life, things were really nice, I had what I can think would be one of the best sessions until the day. The end of the session though was abrupt and rushed and honestly fairly so, because I was the last client of the day and she was in a hurry and stayed a bit later with me anyway, but I somehow felt like I overstepped the boundaries and that I expected more from her (unfairly). What I guess I would have hoped for would have maybe been a bit more compassion? Or.. I don’t really know even, like a good bye kind of thing? Not just ‘see you next week via Skype bye’.. It was silly to hope for that, but I guess it was important to me to have a moment with her.
I think because of not getting what I hoped for, I now feel like I need to push her away and never look back. Like it’s done deal and she’s done with me and our ‘relationship’ is over. For the first 1,5 weeks I never thought about it really. I was just going on with my life and not once thought about how the session went. I was even a little bit proud of myself for not feeling so god damn embarrassed about the few tears I had in my eyes when I left. When we were to start the first Skype call though, I got shy and then was the first moment when I realised that things between us were changed. That I didn’t want to continue, that for me it was like dragging along a dead relationship and that I felt like we had broken up.
I managed to keep a straight face and not say anything about it and it was ok. I do have two more sessions booked and I’m trying to keep myself open to the idea of starting to enjoy the different relationship we have now, but..I’m sad. I’m sad how things ended and I’m sad for not feeling the closeness to her I used to. I miss the feeling. It makes me feel very lonely. And somehow like a fake, as I don’t think I can be honest about this. I wish there was a way to make this better, but knowing how I handle things like these it won’t be the easiest thing to happen. I think I’m defeated.
Therapeutic relationship most certainly is one of the most difficult relationship types I’ve ever experienced. One has to be so close to somebody who doesn’t feel the same. It’s impossible for me to completely yield to the idea of sharing all that goes on in my head with somebody that is there for the job, but I’ve felt a few times like they really are there for the people as well… Still at moments like these, I feel like I’ve done it wrong by trusting her a little more than I planned in the beginning. And that if I was to say that I want out and I want to find somebody who I can see face to face, it would mean that I’d just move on to somebody new and put allll my unrealistic hopes on somebody else so… I don’t think that is of a better outcome really…
So I’ve been in therapy for almost 3 years now. Ambivalent is what I would call my opinion on the accomplishments. I think it’s a win-lose situation and as you rid of old stupid habits, one is in a position to pick up new different unsuitable coping mechanisms. Also to have come out of the ‘nothing phases me, I own up to no emotions’ state and become what is described as ‘human’ doesn’t feel amazing. The emotions I thought I missed a little bit, well… Miss them no more!! Take them back from where they came from and leave me to be my old numb thing.
I guess my phobias all in all are more under control and that was why I went to therapy in the first place – so maybe it’s a good time to surrender and take the final bow? The mix of emotions is leaving me exhausted and like I should be placed into a rehab to deal with the withdrawal symptoms from therapy that I am experiencing. I should do better with the time I’ve invested in therapy, but all in all I feel if one is not ready to be better, get better and do the work, it simply just won’t happen.
So rough feelings, odd life, odd day and a bit of loneliness mixed with homesickness today!
Hope You guys are having a better day!
How I am still Sane 