Today the words are not coming out easy, I am trying to figure out who I am and what my actions are triggered by. I feel so broken. Not incredibly sad, not desperate, not… hurt. Just broken, flawed.
The things with my current therapist have not been easy, I seem to have some sort of anger towards her that she’s hoping to probably address tomorrow and I can’t really do it on the distance. I feel like the work we are doing is too intimate to be doing it over the Skype and therefore I want to cancel. I feel like she’s not supportive and/or caring enough and like I’m never enough for her. I don’t know what it even means but I just want to cry and yell and storm off while letting her know that it actually breaks me down to little peaces knowing that I’ll never be enough of a person for her to actually care about me. And as she has asked before – why does it matter to me if she does – I don’t know. I just … I wish it was over. I want her to care because I feel like she knows me more than anybody really as I have had to be so very honest with her about myself. So if she doesn’t care, then…what’s the possibility that somebody ever does? I don’t know, it really kind of messes me up this thing. I feel like an abandoned kitten, whatever that’s supposed to mean.
I have to be very honest… I have really seriously thought about quitting therapy with her. One thing is that it’s via Skype now but the other thing is that I feel like we are on this very messy road currently where all the boundaries have been messed up big time and there is no consistency in them. Sometimes she loves me, is so supportive, offers me all the hugs and kind words and everything, the other times I feel like she can’t stand me. It kinda hurts.. it’s like.. can you make up your mind and we can then just move on with our lives?
So as I have felt that way for some time already, I figured that I’d give it a go and see another therapist, as I’ve never really tried therapy with somebody else… It would be great to be able to see somebody in real life. Sooooo I made a call to a local therapy centre and they invited me in to do an initial interview, which was with this one therapist and I kinda spent an hour there just going through the basics and now they go back and think who would be the best fit for me from them and then it’ll be up to me to go and see that person and then decide if I want to continue with it or not. A bit complicated maybe, but no biggie!
So in I went, I had my initial interview with a male therapist – something I was very unsure about. But A., an older man that looked freaking exactly like Robin Williams from Good Will Hunting, was a very lovely person and I actually enjoyed my time there. I was so scared that I would not speak at all or that I wouldn’t know what to answer when asked why I was there… But actually it was fine. I surprised myself by being very open and chatty and honest and I told him basically the very short version of my life and he was very kind and we even joked around a little and it was actually very pleasant. He thanked me numerous times for sharing with him, which really gave me a very good feeling and made me more trusting towards him. Anyway I had a good time if so can say.
Now, the plan is to wait until they make a decision and give me a time available. They said they still have a waiting list, so it probably is not a very short process, but I’ll see. Once they give me a new therapist, I’ll give that a try and then I will need to make a decision on how to proceed with my current and possibly a new therapist and see if I would like to continue with my old T or the new T.
I feel like a horrible person for going behind my therapist’s back and I feel like I am cheating on her, but I try to put myself first at the moment and I just… hope that it will work out ok instead of blowing up in my face.
Right, think this rant was long enough?? I’m just.. so scared of tomorrow and I can’t wait for it to be over, but I know once it’s over I’m sad it’s done and wish I could go back in time and still have her attention… oh man, this is messy!!
Cheers for all the lovely people out there handling their life much better than I do!