Oh maaaaan… It’s been confusing. Life is confusing and changes keep happening around me and I feel so out of control and lost and occasionally a little bit happy, but then lost again and then hopeless. So very ambivalent. Very!
Right, so the move to England went OK! I Even got to meet my lovely lovely friend on the way in Germany – that was really amazing, we had a lovely (though sadly very short) time together and it definitely helped me to focus on what’s head instead of what I had to leave behind. On the rest of the journey I had the chance to meet some lovely horses – yep, really! and people and needless to say we were beyond exhausted once we got to our apartment. That was on Friday, so nearly a week ago. For Saturday we planned on staying in bed until noon, watching movies, eating good food, resting. Well.. needless to say we found it impossible! By 9 in the morning we had unpacked, cleaned, cooked, had the breakfast and out the door. Crazy people 🙂 The rest of the days have gone by quickly – trying to figure out where to move the horse, where we should have the permanent living etc.
Today I had my first Skype therapy session… I figured I’d be desperate for a session and that I’d miss my therapist so crazy much and cling to her every word. To my very big surprise after the ‘good bye’ on last Monday.. it has been like.. done. I didn’t miss her, I didn’t think about her as much as I usually do, I didn’t even feel like messaging her or anything… I felt it was very weird considering how on our last session I left with tears falling down my face… She’s seen me cry like two tears once before, but I’m hopeful that she didn’t notice. Anyway I just… cried a little this time when saying good bye to her and I’m 100% that she did notice, she hugged me twice and wished me good luck and off I went. For whatever reason it felt like a breakup. I guess for me it was just… what my brain figured.
So today, I felt resistant… I felt like we were not close anymore and like why would she ask me anything or expect like I wanted to share anything with her.. I know it’s her still and I know we’ve known each other for a long time and that she’s been there for me for ages and cares about me, but… It feels somehow like I’m finished with it.
Of course she picked up on it, I’m not the best at hiding how I feel about things, so she asked about it, but I denied everything. I do feel a little bit bad about leaving her in the dark, but I am such apparently. She asked if I wanted to keep on going with therapy and I said I didn’t know… that she could just decide for the both of us. And she didn’t. Well she kind of did, but meanwhile was telling me how it is something that she can’t do. Anyways I’m booked for the next week. I’m so confused about how I just suddenly felt so far from her, so distant, so …different. Like all the past we had was now like finished, closed, put away. I wish I just felt the way I used to about her and that everything would have been the way it was last time I moved.
I will try to keep on going for a few more times to see if we get the ‘magic’ back. I somehow feel beyond the help anyway, so am a bit more sceptical maybe than usual, but maybe that will also change once we have more certainty in our lives and we have settled in already.
This was the most pointless post I’m sure, but I’m so tired all the time and it was kind of the best I could do for now. Otherwise it would have been another week of silence I’m sure..
Thank you for taking the time to read my rant on nothing special, hope you had a lovely day!