We are jumping head on into the new era. It is freaking me out big time, but also making me feel so alive. i don’t really know, if what we are doing is as crazy as people seem to think or if I’m just blinded by the excitement currently and don’t see just yet how what I’m doing is taking a leap into the unknown hastily without considering all the consequences and how it influences others around me.
So in 2 days we start our move to UK, London. It’s not like we have not lived in the other country before… and my husband has an amazing work opportunity there.. So we have a place ready for us and I get to bring my furry pal who I could not go without (but she’s joining us later once we have settled in and have a pet-friendly house ready) and we have organised everything here, horses have a ‘babysitter’ for the time being and all seems …ok.
What I am worried about is that I have not really taken the time to see that I will not be seeing my friends, I will not have my home, I will not have my family and that I will only be able to keep going with therapy through Skype… It scares me. I mean to be that close to the move and only now to start thinking about it is a risky business… I’m unsure if I should just try and ignore everything until I’ve gone through the motion or try to work it out quickly and see what my brain has come up with..
Tomorrow I’ll have a little gathering with my closest friends and Monday I’ll have the last therapy session. We agreed to make it longer, so we could go through the notes I keep on my phone. I started to keep a list of things I didn’t dare to bring up in therapy but really wanted to talk about. I never told her until like half a year back when I blurted out that I have this list and that I sometimes read the list before the therapy and then see if I can gather the courage to tell her about one of the things. It’s mostly to do with the relationship between me and her, but occasionally has other topics on it as well. I sometimes also have sent all of them (it’s like this ever changing list of about 15 things) to her via email without discussing them – just for her to know where my head is at. Mostly it is to do with me trying to figure out if or when she will want to get rid of me, embarrassing as it is.
Anyways, every time we have tried to work through the list, we have not had enough time to do so. Mostly because I manage to waste a good 15 minutes of the beginning with being quiet and uncomfortable and fidgeting around and not really answering anything. So this time we will try to work through all of them so it would be like a good closure if I could try and delete all of the points I have written down. That has not happened for ages and I just would like the feeling of ‘starting fresh’ for the moving. I’m not sure if we will really manage to do so and if I have the guts to work through the awkwardness and if the amount of time we have on Monday will even still be enough, but… we will see.
What makes me nervous as well is the fact that I really want her to know how sad I am about the change, but without actually showing any emotions. I can see how this might be complicated to understand, to be quite fair, it is complicated even for myself to unpack. But I mean, last time I moved away we had a timeline and we knew when we were to come back and I ended up crying in the car while driving away despite all my attempts to be seen as completely bulletproof and emotionless. Oh well. At least nobody saw it or knows anything about it, so I can still convince myself that I might be able to handle whatever is thrown at me.
I should try to focus on all the awesome things ahead of me, but I feel bad about overlooking the here and now. And how I will surely miss all of it. I will miss my friends so much. They are always here for me, they are always there to pick me up and cheer me on and eat crazy amounts of cake with me. Who will do all the silly stuff with me now? I am lucky though, that my husband is really one of my best friends and I will still have him forever to do all the silly stuff with. But silly horsey stuff is not the most interesting for him always, even though he just nods and plays along – how very sweet he is.
I’m so sorry, I can’t go all deep today, my brain looks like a roadkill at the moment and is very much all over the place, but I promise to pull myself together for the next time. I will be on the journey for some time, but I hope to have time to write how the last session went on Tuesday evening, when we arrive to Poland.
I guess one knows that one loves their life if it’s hard to walk away from it…