And breathing was the reason to live.

Has anybody ever felt like they didn’t really know if they were falling into the deep darkness or recovering instead? I have no idea, what is going on with me and I wish there was a way to know why I feel this way.

Soon it will be the 6 year mark of my little sister’s death. Until today I have not cried about the horrible accident. Today, though, I was reminded by the oh so sweet facebook that 7 years ago today she wrote on my wall asking if she could come stay with me for a weekend. Well I would love her to do that just now, thankssomuch.

So instead of the usual ‘omg just think about something else’ I engaged in this thought and actually went along with it, resulting with me getting all teary. And a little bit angry. It’s funny that I’ve managed to convince myself for 6 years that I have no emotions on this subject, that I completely understand that it was an accident and that I am very capable of rationalising all aspects of it. So there is no need to cry really, when one understands what has happened and one can not change any part of it.. right? Or at least so I thought…

So why now, almost six years later, should I find myself getting teary about it? And also why do I find myself disgusting if I do? what’s that all about?
Is it that I have progressed in therapy and am now more capable of accepting the fact that one sometimes get those ‘ever so odd’ things called feelings? Or is it because I’m just worse and not able to handle anything anymore? I’ve always had to handle, how come I’m not doing it now..

I just wish I would understand why I’m feeling this emotional and down now and why I’m not putting it away.. (And automatically I would like to add to this sentence that I’ve always done it and blah blah blah… but is it necessary? and why have I always done it? And is it really necessary?)

I have found myself recently thinking about the ability to show emotions and have them in front of others.. And that maybe one day I would like to experience something like that. To be a human or something. Like in therapy for example – it seems like a place where one should be able to or could be, if they wanted to, have emotional moments. I think somehow I think thatย  I might feel somehow that having emotions is wrong and that is why I feel like I have to shove them all down and never experience any.

Does that make any sense? jeez, my brain is a mess today ๐Ÿ™‚ Glad I have therapy tomorrow.

Talk soon, thanks for reading whoever You were! And hope you had a lovely day!

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4 thoughts on “And breathing was the reason to live.

  1. A lot of my not dealt with emotions from my childhood came up after I started to feel safe being with my now husband and I wondered “why now?” One of my therapists told me then that our mind has its own timetable of healing and often starts working on stuff when it feels safe. Maybe it’s just time for you now to deal with your emotions. ๐Ÿ™‹

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment!

      I have thought about it, but it feels SO uncomfortable.. I have always felt somewhat bulletproof, given that I’ve just handled everything thrown at me by ignoring it. And to feel like it’s cracking and I’m having emotions about things is just… I feel like it’s so gross and wrong??

      Did you feel better after dealing with some of the emotions built up?

      Thank you so much, again!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Not at first. At first I was as gobsmacked as you are. But the more I worked with them and the more I accepted they are part of me the easier it gets. But its still work in progress. You are very welcome!

        Like

  2. haha, it’s a bit relieving to know that I’m not alone with these feelings. I spent the whole time in therapy saying silly kindergarten things like ‘I don’t want to’ and ‘ I wanna quit’ – I guess that’s as authentic as it gets. I don’t want to deal with stuff and I wanna quit having to think about it ๐Ÿ™‚

    Thank you again, I’ll try to stay with it to get to the point where it feels better

    Like

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