Sorry, I’ve been real slow to write.
I had therapy on Wednesday, it was rather chilled and easy and my therapist even noted that I looked more relaxed and happier. I don’t know what that even means, but I like it when she points out things she notices about me, it makes me feel like she is paying a lot of attention to me and how I act/react/seem. We also discussed the fact that so much of communication goes on without any words, nonverbal communication (she said) is to be up to like 70% of it. That’s a crazy big amount! I never knew that it would be that much. I always expected the words to play a bigger role but after that I’ve had some time to reflect on that information and the more I think about it the more it makes sense.
Especially in the therapy – I always come away with a good feeling, but then later during the week will start second guessing it. I get stressed and with emails I always seem to get the feeling like she’s very different with me. Like she is not very interested to talk to me or to work with me.. I suppose that’s because I have the power to interpret the words she writes down however I please. And I can also think of the tone and the manner and it is up to me to choose how I feel about it all. Sadly I, too often, choose to feel that she doesn’t care or that she would not be vert interested to have me there. If we address this feeling in the session, it is discussed and I always end up feeling rather cool.. So I guess I’ve figured it’s better for me not to email her and I have stopped for now. I also have managed to say everything I needed to say and I wasn’t brave enough to say in the session. So the emails have played a big role in developing our relationship and for the trust to grow but also, they have proven to be a slippery road for messy feelings on my part. Interesting!
Well, what I actually wanted to write about was minimizing… Why do we do that to ourselves all the time? I mean… It’s so odd how one needs to protect him/herself from the reality and just is like ‘no, what I have is not depression’ or my best example from my own life is the fact that even though I know now that I have been sexually abused, I have always found a way to not say it, not believe it. “Not me, c’mon, it wasn’t abuse”.. Or when I sometimes have these dark thoughts that I wish I didn’t have, it’s so easy to think that ‘it’s nothing, it means nothing and I’m just being silly’ – it still doesn’t make these thoughts nonexistent, does it?! I am sure it is a form of self-protection and is necessary, at least for some time.. BUT when I feel like I’m ready to explore what is actually going on in my head, how do I stop it? How will I be able to see the extent of what has happened to me in the past without minimizing it?
Also, what I have discovered is that if I tell my therapist about my past experiences, there is really no appropriate way for her to react. If she doesn’t react, I feel like she doesn’t care or like what I tell her seems pointless or meaningless to her or that I should have just handled it myself. Or when she is like ‘ah, sorry, that must have been difficult’ I feel like she feels sorry for me and I don’t want her to see me as a victim so I don’t think there’s much winning with me 🙂
I honestly feel like emailing her to say thank you for all the hard work she has to do to work with me and keep me trusting and talking and discussing. I really do think she is a wonderful human-being.
So sorry for the long pause in writing, I’ll try to improve.