So on Friday was the long waited therapy day. What a session I had, I mean… I saw a totally new side to my therapist, and though a bit scary, it was a humanising experience, I would say.
We had a difficult time getting together as I was worried to go in and nearly bailed on everything and quit. She asked me to go in and discuss it with her and because of the way she has worked with me for a long time and we’ve been through things together and she has always been so kind and sweet, I felt like it was not an option to leave without an explanation. SO in I went, with a lot of hesitation and with a shaking heart.
What I expected was her being her usual kind self, trying to convince me to keep on going, even though it is currently tough. And all that in a calm, centred, non emotional manner. What happened though was that she, instead of what I expected, got a bit upset with me, I think? She apologised for raising her voice, but still continued to speak very loudly and sharply and telling me that I am doing every single thing I can think of to push her away and then I try to show it as if she did not want to have me around. Which, I am sure, is exactly what I’m trying to do. I feel so vulnerable lately and am completely out of my comfort zone with her getting closer to know me and approaching the topics that are more difficult for me to discuss. And I’ve always had a very good strategy to protect myself from people. The less they know, the easier life is. Just smile and wave and be polite and move on. I’ve loved it and it has been easy, but the downside to that sort of living is that you really get easily overlooked.. People feel like they know you, like you are just a happy-go-lucky type of a person they can always rely on and that can always carry their burden with them, as nothing phases you and you are always so strong and steady. I guess I need to go back to the topic, though, as this is something completely irrelevant.
Well, what happened when she raised her voice, was that I got stuck. I just kept looking out the window and I can barely remember anything she said. I felt scared and I also had no idea how to react. I felt like my body was there, but my brain was just thrown out the same window I was staring out of. I’m not sure how I feel about what happened, as from one side I feel like she must care about me a great deal to get emotionally involved to the point where she would feel like she had to raise her voice to get to me, but on the other hand I’m now scared. I’m scared she will get mad at me and that I will disappoint her and initially I’m scared that she will get outraged (which she did not at all, she was not even angry or anything, but speaking loudly) or something close to that..
In the past, when people have gotten very angry with me, they have rarely hit me or abused me otherwise physically, but I am so terrified they will, once the situation is getting out of my hands. I’ve always been very scared of people getting angry at me. So her getting agitated has brought on mixed emotions for me. I would rather know how she feels and that she cares than still wonder that she doesn’t give a flying s about me and if or when I leave or continue.
I feel like this unhealthy attachment style I have is making things very complicated currently. We need to work through this, but it’s proving to be more complicated than we anticipated, I think… Both of us.
Anyways, I am looking forward to the next session, as it will probably help us to work through a bit what happened last time and we can just keep on trying to work on things together.
I love that I’ve now seen the more human side to her, even though it might be a bit scary for a moment… My fear of emotions is really silly and I’m glad I have a place to work through them and that we can possibly discuss this in the next session and I don’t have to be scared to ask her about it.
I hope she knows how much she means to me and that I’m sorry that I’m not the easiest and most straight forward patient she has ever had..