My initial idea was to try and post once a week, the day after a therapy session. Too bad I feel so overwhelmed by everything right now and the plan has already been tossed aside. (Well, obviously I started this blog because I felt the need to express my thoughts and try to analyse my feelings and thought patterns)
So here I am, once again, sat behind the computer, trying to figure out the world, my brain noise and how to manage.
Yesterday I emailed my therapist the thoughts I could not tell her in therapy. We have an agreement that I try to email her once a week, it is encouraged by her for me to develop the needed attachment to her (I think?). I feel like I might have dug too deep and felt very vulnerable after sending it in. She usually replies by saying that she got my email and that we will discuss it when we meet. And this is what we agreed on and it has worked well. This time, though, I felt like… I kind of needed a bit more? Not a long paragraph or anything, but a few words to encourage me, as I felt like I disclosed too much and was of a burden to her. I then automatically reacted to it sending her a message stating that I’m not coming back – WHY would I do that?! yeeez… Talk about reacting instead of thinking and then acting.. Well, I told her that I was unsure if I would be able to go and see her on Friday and that maybe she should give all my already booked times to somebody more worthy and less erratic.
I feel like I try to push her away but secretly hope she won’t give up on me. It seems to be like a stupid test my brain creates for her. Like If I push, will she leave me? Like other people have? or will she come through? So I could settle for this time and test her again when I start feeling insecure? Honestly, I feel like I’m being so very obnoxious and rude and I try to get my way with her, which is NOT right, but I feel like I need the test to feel like she either doesn’t care enough or does. And if she doesn’t I feel like I dodged a bullet there.
Have any of you ever felt sorry for your therapist? I mean… I just wish I could be an easier client for her, but seriously… I am what I am and I tried to hide and be just ever so polite and nice and kind and easy for two years. It worked just fine, but the amount of work we needed to do didn’t get much smaller with that time. I know I was a late bloomer in therapy and that I needed a lot of time to get accustomed to the idea to share.. anything more than ‘what movies did you watch on the weekend’, but… I just wish I could stop this nonsense and get on with it. Stop the games, be very brutally honest with her about what I think and am and that I could turn off the doubt button.
What I am worried about now though is her reply. Will she say that she’s tired of the games and bye and never wanna see you again? Or will she ask what’s the matter with me (because I wouldn’t know how to reply to that?!)? Or will she say that she can’t have this discussion again and that she keeps the time in case I still want to go but I should let her know before the day? Or will she…not? What if she doesn’t reply at all? Or what if the reply will make me feel even more conflicted…
The ambivalent feelings I have towards the whole process and the therapeutic relationship have totally taken over me today and I can’t seem to think straight.
Well, help! I mean… All I really want is to be a clever girl and not to be of a burden… 🙂