After debating the idea of creating this open, honest and brutally personal blog for some time, I’ve decided to go for it. I have yet to figure out how this will work, but I promise to try my best to keep the blog surrounding the mental health world and my own journey trying to recover from anxiety issues, depression and emetophobia. You are more than welcome to follow my journey and speak your mind, for all I wish is to be able to write down my thoughts about therapy, everyday struggles and successes and see, where this takes me. Cheers!
I think to start this right, I would have to introduce myself and give you guys a basic backstory.
I am 27, a female, recently married to the love of my life, my best friend and the coolest man I know. I ride horses for hobby and for work, I have a MA degree in photography, I like to travel, hike, be outside. This is as basic as it gets I suppose.
Therapy wise – I first contacted my (first) therapist on February 9th, 2016. I was looking for help because of emetophobia, (fear of vomiting/other people vomiting/hearing/seeing/knowing of somebody vomiting) that had by that time lasted for some years and gotten recently to the point where I’d had my first ever panic attack (oh, the joy). In my day to day life it meant that I was constantly on the edge and terrified to visit places with.. well, any people. Especially during flu seasons and/or weekends (drunk people). I had a panic attack when I heard a person vomit in the next room in hotel and I ended up crying for an hour in the car, not being able to go back to the hotel room – this is when I finally knew I needed to see somebody, because the amount of uncomfortable feelings around it had risen to the point where I was not able to cope with them. So the look for a therapist begun.
I went in with a bag full of preconceptions and with the state of mind to challenge the person sitting in the opposite of me to see if they could even get one word out of me. Sadly such long time has passed that I remember almost nothing from my first sessions. I think I just went over my basic story and mostly stayed in the topic of emetophobia and anxiety and never really discussed too much about my family and childhood and ‘fun’ things that happened back then. Now we are slowly trying to work through the past trauma as well, I suppose, and focus a little bit more on the attachment issues I have.
I’m not going to lie, it is hard work and even though I am glad that I’ve found a great therapist to work with me on this roller coaster of a journey, I still get days when I’m ever so tempted to quit and walk away.
I won’t be talking about the past much more this time, but will just jump into the current struggles.
I can’t seem to figure out how to relax into the relationship one has with a therapist. I always seem to think it must be a fraud, as I pay for the help and the caring and all the warmth I get is there for that reason. She, at times, then makes me still feel like she genuinely cares about me and it just messes with my head. What if she does care, but won’t say it to me? What if she doesn’t? Why does it even matter so much to me? Should I care that much?.. I think the truth is that she matters so much to me and the risk that I don’t matter and she doesn’t care, hurts my feelings.
Can anybody possibly relate to that?
depression, anxiety, recovery, mental health, mental health help, therapy, therapists, psychology.