It’s been a long time since I last wrote, even though I have been meaning to and wanting to do it for a long time.
I guess life and depression have gotten on my way. See, I said it, just there.. Depression. This is a new word in my vocabulary in describing myself. It has always been ‘just anxiety’, even though apparently I’ve been in a hazy phase of not realising that what I was experiencing was not ‘normal meh feeling’, but indeed depression. Oh well, what a surprise. I’m just… a bit sad that I was not told any earlier.. I can’t blame this on my therapist, as I’m sure she tried many times, but I was just completely blind to the idea and just went on about how I just was anxious and how life just wasn’t that particularly interesting for me.
Anyway, I guess I’ll try to get to the real point now then?
So I’ve been giving up and then not giving up and then giving up on therapy for a long long time now. Last time I told my therapist that I felt like she didn’t care about me, so I wanted to quit and I was, for the first time (even though I have told her I wanted to quit before) completely prepared and ready to walk away. I felt like all was done and said and over, that our relationship was not worth working for and that she didn’t care enough.
I sent her a brief email stating that I think we need to stop seeing each other. Well, because we meet over Skype, we still met the next time, because she didn’t reply to my email and I was a wuss and sat behind the computer because I wasn’t sure if she was going to call or not. Anyway, when she did, I felt like it was a stretch. And stated it very clearly that I’m not willing to continue, because she won’t tell me if she cares or not – sounds like an idiotic bratty thing to do, but I am deteriorating, I am more depressed than ever and I feel like I need help. And I need people that care about me, because I can’t deal with other extra problems at this moment, so I felt like I was protecting myself from just another heart ache.
Anyway, she replied by
‘of course I care’ and ‘I have told you many times that I do’ – I called her out on that. She has NEVER told me that she cared. not once. All she does is ask why it matters to me so much. It matters because I’m human and I need to know that I’m cared for or at least tolerated to be able to work on my personal issues with somebody week in week out.
Right, so we talked about it and decided to continue, because well, surprise, she did care anyway, or at least that’s what she said.
So to the next time. We were supposed to have a Skype call at 14.00, by 14.20 I emailed her asking if today’s therapy was cancelled. Well, she then called and said she completely forgot. She was very apologetic and seemed genuinely sorry and at that time I felt fine about it. I think it’s humane. It’s normal to forget sometimes and I was her last client of the day and she obviously got things mixed up. I have a few follow up questions for her, though. Anyway, she apologised many times and said that it does not reflect on how she feels about me and that it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care about me. And I brushed it off like nothing happened…
Guess what?! Maybe I should not have?? Maybe I should have said that it’s a bit of a bad timing to forget, as we just discussed the not caring thing. Or that I felt like I didn’t matter still. I don’t know.. but the thing is that at the time when we were talking on Skype, I did feel fine. Now that a few days have gone by, I’m like… has she only forgotten about me?? has she done it before? Is it like a deliberately done thing and she is trying to tell me to piss off? Is it related to the session we had before and she just is too soft to tell me that she doesn’t care so she tries to do this instead?
Oh man, my head is in a spiral and even though I would like to go on and on and on about it, I’ll publish this instead, because otherwise I will never publish it and it’ll be just another draft in the row 🙂
Cheers and I hope to be posting a bit more regularly now! Thanks for reading my rant, it makes me feel less alone.